I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize
