Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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