Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
porn star boner night. come get it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
