Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
