he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
