dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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