just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
