We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
