i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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