my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
