why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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