He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
