Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
