My room smells like vodka and shame
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
