a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
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Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
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If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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