I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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