I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
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She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize