I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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