don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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