Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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