It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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