Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
