I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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