the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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