xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
