i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
