dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
