very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
