Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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