I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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