true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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