Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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