So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
