i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
