just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
