Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
