My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..