Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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