You smell like stripper and shame
she smelled like a LAN party
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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