I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize