it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
