Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
