He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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