yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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