I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
