We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
