well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
