I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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