I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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