The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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