It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
