forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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