i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
