we have pet lesbian snakes
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
