Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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