It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
